I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So many bounce houses so little time
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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