God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
