It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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