We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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