It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
