I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hippo gnu deer
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
