I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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