Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It's official drugs can't kill me
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Randomize
