if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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