oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
