Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
