My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
