Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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