we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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