She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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