"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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