Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
