yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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