I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
