Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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