You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
