I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
