i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Pants are for mortals
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
