Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
