If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
