She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
