Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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