wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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