i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
