She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
