I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
