I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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