That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
