Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
