I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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