It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
