i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
