Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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