Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
