alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
