Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
