I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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