i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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