I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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