the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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