Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We just shotgunned beers for America
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
