Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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