Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dear god my vagina.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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