i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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