can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
