Soap is not a condiment
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
