he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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